Sunday, August 23, 2009

I Need to Find a Teeny Tiny AA

I have learned so much lately. Don't worry about jumping up to grab a pen and paper. It really is just a bunch of crazy stuff that will probably not enhance your life at all. Well, maybe if you ever find yourself in a plague of locust or a knife fight.

The other night I learned toothpaste and saliva will take blood stains out of clothing. I know what you are thinking - did I actually cut myself while brushing my teeth? Well, no. I was getting ready to put clean sheets on our bed when J. Hogan ran in and thought the sheets were pillows and did a triple lindy into them only to split his upper lip open and lose enough blood that caused me to worry vampires would be knocking on my door.

I will give you a moment to pull yourself together.

Our tragedy ended rather quickly. He is a tough little guy. And when the smoke cleared, or rather when the screaming ended, he was left with a fat upper lip and blood stained clothes. I then began screaming since I realized that my brand new J. Crew tank that I just cut the tags off of, was covered in blood. So I composed myself and did what any red-blooded girl would do and went straight to the Internet. And that is how I learned that saliva and toothpaste would remove blood stains. And yes sports fans, it works... really it works. Technique is not important and therefore I will spare you the gory details.

While on Google I remembered that I also needed to find out how to get rid of a couple of elusive gnats that had setup residency in my home. I am a clean fanatic and I cannot tolerate any unidentified flying objects in my home. To save you time, there many ways to get rid of them that does not involve harmful chemicals - from sucking them into the vacuum cleaner (what!?!?) to trapping them with rotten fruit (gag). I chose a method that seemed to be fairly humane and strangely similar to how Chris and I met - trap them with wine.

The instructions were as follows -
1. Poor approximately 1/2 cup of wine (preferably red) into a bowl.
2. Cover bowl tightly with plastic wrap.
3. Using a fork, poke holes in plastic wrap.
4. Leave on counter overnight.
5. Dispose of wine and gnats that have lost their life to consumption.

Unlike the spit-toothpaste blood removal of 2009, this did not work and I am fairly upset over the loss of wine. I actually watched a gnat enter the bowl, land and fly out.

Apparently instead of building a trap, I just built them an all-inclusive relaxing vacation spot. I am thinking of setting up a little mariachi band for them tonight. If you can't kill them, at least be a good hostess.


Julie Tilley said...

This is so funny.....well except the part about babykins getting hurt, which I already knew. But the need for the AA is hilarious. I think a tiny band would be perfect though I prefer Raggae so maybe you could do a survey prior to hiring said band. Loves you Dana!!

becky bell said...

I think I would like to know how you produced enough saliva to make it work! LOL! Hope baby J is better! Boys, they alwasy have bruises, bumps, and lumps. Just goes with the territory I guess!